Blog Mama

Friday, March 29, 2002

I didn't write about Lola being sick. Again. Her little fever gets so high so fast. I am starting to be able to distinguish between 103 and 105 with my fingertips.
posted by Jenifer 8:41 PM

I still haven't thought of anything better to put on the top of this page than my name. Jenifer.Jen.if.errrrr. Jenifer. I used to hate my name so much. Now, I don't, actually. There are not so many new Jennifers or Jenifers or Jenniffers or whatever. I was always one of about fifty in elementar school, but now, not so much. Now I'm usually Jen. Or, if I am about to encounter someone who knew me when I wore braces I am "Oh my God, is that Jeni?" Sometimes I'm Jenifer. Sometimes, to my dad, I was Jen Jen but not anymore. My dad, when I was about four and bitching about my name, told me that he and my mother picked it because it flowed like music "Jenifer Jenifer Jenifer" he would say, waving his hand around in what I imagine was supposed to be a musical fashion. So, for a couple of years, I bought it and liked my name. Then, I realized it would always be misspelled because my parents thought that Jenifer, with my maiden name, would have two many Ns if spelled conventionally. So, I felt entitled to a feeling of being burdened by my name. I prefer feelings to which I can attach a sense of entitlement, generally. It's all like "I am bitter about my name! Take that world!" My daughter knows my first name. I don't think I knew my parents' names at three. Anyway, I don't know what else to write up there. So, for now, it's Jenifer. Jeniferblog. A theme park of words.
posted by Jenifer 8:40 PM

Tuesday, March 26, 2002

In other news, I hate being 35. I hate getting older. I am not feeling graceful.
posted by Jenifer 9:48 AM

So, I did live through sinus surgery, thanks be to the Xanax that got me in the door of the hospital. The kids amused themselves ordering Grandma around the waiting room. And, a couple of hours post-op, when the fog of anesthesia and head pain (due to more to the lack of caffeine in my system than the excision of any tissue) lifted, I finally discovered what all the panic and fear was about. Now, I am all for drama, but this didn't hit me like a ton of bricks, or like a safe or piano dangling over me by a precariously dainty rope. It was more like it just occurred to me, finally, what I was so ding dong scared of. To back up, for about two weeks before surgery I was having panic attacks which manifested themselves in a completely irrational - yet paralyzing - fear that I would die under general anesthesia and leave my children without a mother. So, it's not that this doesn't scare me, but I knew that the fear was way out of proportion to the risk, well, actually, I knew the fear was not grounded in reality. I knew I would not die and it would have been okay with me to say "I know I won't die, but it's a scary idea," or something. Here, however, it was more like "I know I won't die but still I can't breathe or eat or sleep and gimme that Vitamin X so I can just live my life." I can see this is now CRYSTAL CLEAR so I'll move on. Anyway, there I am in my recovery chair (they swooshed me off the cot and into a blue vinyl recliner pretty quick if you ask me), producing bloody nose gauze by the handful, and I knew what had me freaked out. For the first time since becoming a mother I was going to be incapacitated in such a way that I could not protect my children from harm. For the two hours I was in surgery, I would be powerless to take care of them. That's what it was. Fear of not being able to protect my children. Of course, they were with their father and grandmother, but I am the mama tigress, the fierce protectress, the line beyond which no one can cross over to reach my babies. And the tigress, she was knocked out cold. That's what was so terrifying.
posted by Jenifer 9:23 AM

Friday, March 22, 2002

Okay, apparently the problem is that if I or my mouse pointer come within six inches of what I have typed, it disappears. Fuck that noise. I'll have to do this later.
posted by Jenifer 9:37 AM

Thursday, March 21, 2002

Now I'm annoyed. I typed something up. It was all literary and shit. I even spelled things right. And Blogger ate it. Stupid Blogger. I hate you right now but I will get past it and learn to blog again. Bastard.
posted by Jenifer 7:29 PM

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

So, I keep trying to edit my blog, but the edits do not show up. That is annoying.
posted by Jenifer 6:18 PM

Okay, so now sometimes it's really ugly but when I type it in and it pops up it is all pretty and easy to read and says my name reeeeeeaaaallllly big, which was not my intention, but whatever. It's pretty. And that's all that really matters, isn't it? So, maybe if I sit here long enough I will have something to say. Maybe I could talk about my sinus surgery in detail, or the Xanax that renders me able to think about it without going into a deathbed scene in my head where I make people promise to tell my kids about me and not to remarry. Maybe not. I'll think of something. I really want to end this and go see my name really big again. Besides, I have not yet figured out how to type more than five lines without the lines disapperaing beneath where I can see so that I'm not typing into an abyss (as I am now). Okay, let's see how this one goes.
posted by Jenifer 1:11 PM

Okay, because I just like the word "blogger" and think it's funny that we live in a world where people say this like it is a real word that didn't get made up so that people who think other people care about what they have to say can write it all over the intergalacticnet, I am going to try to make my home here. And I'll make it all purty if I can figure it out.
posted by Jenifer 11:27 AM